My Greatest ...?

She is my greatest supporter. 

Yet she critiques me the most.

She is my greatest comforter.

Yet her words can cut the deepest.

She is my greatest inspiration.

Yet there are times I hope to never be like her.

She is my greatest companion.

Yet we argue the most. 

“Who is she?” you ask. My mom.

Mother and daughter relationships are arguably the most complicated dynamics out there. The relationship portrayed between Rory and Lorelei in Gilmore Girls is every girl's fantasy. But realistically, that’s not how life or relationships typically work.

  I can’t even begin to describe the relationship between my mom and I. There are times I need and love her more than anybody else, times she frustrates me, times she doesn’t understand me. We could be enjoying each other's company one second, then the next, we’re fighting. If there was one word to describe our relationship it would be "bipolar." 

My mom and I couldn’t be more different. She’s an outgoing, social extrovert, while I’m a homebody introvert. She enjoys shopping, while even the thought of trying on clothes is tedious to me. She wants to communicate immediately after an argument, while I prefer time to reflect by myself. She enjoys speaking, while I enjoy listening. Because of these differences, it can be so difficult for us to understand each other. Consequently, this lack of understanding leads to arguments.

In addition to our distinct personalities, coming from two different generations leads to discordance. The simple fact that she is not a teenage girl raised in the 2000s, while I’m not a parent means we can’t truly understand or sympathize with each other right now. 

Sure, she was a teenage girl at one point, but was she a teenager raised in the age of social media and technology? No. Can she fully comprehend the pressure placed on us because of the increasing competitiveness of college acceptances? No. Can she truly understand all the life experiences and factors that make me the way I am? No. 

But, can’t she say the same for me? Will I ever understand her experience as the only daughter of immigrant parents? No. Can I understand her struggle getting through life without the guidance of knowledgeable parents? No. As somebody who’s been blessed with a privileged upbringing, can I truly understand her, somebody who’s had to work tirelessly for everything she has? No. While I know I’m quick to judge her for not understanding me,

 I have to remember that I also don’t fully understand her. I admit, it definitely sounds easier than it actually is. So, here are some of the tips and strategies I try to follow to understand my mom better. 

1. Remember a mutual effort needs to be put in.

You can’t expect your relationship will improve if only one person is putting in work. A relationship goes both ways; you have to give and receive. Even if you believe your mom is at fault for your rocky relationship, continue to put in effort to improve it. This may mean having a “girls day” with her or even just having a healthy conversation. Sometimes spending time together is the best remedy to understand and improve your connection with the other person. 

1. Be realistic

Your mom and your relationship with her won’t magically change overnight. Both of you will still continue to mess up even if you’re trying your best. Obtaining a better relationship doesn't mean it will be perfect. Arguments, disagreements, and disappointments will still happen. In the end, we’re all human. Nobody and nothing is perfect. So, don’t set yourself up for failure and create unrealistic expectations for the other person. Consider the other person's flaws and traits and establish practical standards. 

1. Be willing to hear the other side out 

If you’re sharp-tongued and have a lack of patience, this will be difficult for you, but it’s necessary. Improving a relationship requires you to be willing to hear the other person out. If you get into an argument, don’t be close-minded and believe only you are in the right. Try to exhibit a willingness to hear your mom out. This will hopefully create a mutual respect between the two of you and in future conflicts, she may be more willing to hear you out as well. If needed, ask for some time to yourself after an argument to clear your mind and stop yourself from lashing back out against her. Take this time to try to consider her point of view. 

1. Express your gratitude 

Gratitude goes a long way. Remember to thank your mom for everything she does for you. She should do the same. Even if you privately appreciate her, vocalizing your gratitude will go a long way. She is only human. She also wants to feel loved, seen, and appreciated. Give her a hug once in a while, say thank you, even little gestures like making her coffee or tea in the morning will mean the world to her. 

1. End toxic relationships 

If you’re reading this post, you’re probably hoping for a better relationship with your mom. However, you need to evaluate your relationship and if it’s too toxic or harmful for your own mental health, it’s ok to distance yourself from your mom. We have the right to end relationships that are toxic (whether verbally, mentally, or physically). 

Mother-daughter relationships are difficult. Trust me, I know. But improving it requires effort, patience, and a willingness to understand each other. You got this. 

We’re in this together, 

Lauren