Siblings Pt.1

During my younger years, I was especially close to my older brother. He was my first friend, a companion, protector, and somebody I admired greatly. Even though we argued frequently (mainly a result of my pestering of him), I still respected and loved him greatly. As we both got older and busier, our relationship turned colder and more distant. Not because we had a falling out, simply because neither of us put in an effort in our relationship.

As we started making our own friends, consequently, we stopped hanging out together. Daily conversations gradually turned into brief exchanges of words. Traditions, like staying up for Santa, eventually turned into old, childish memories. Even car rides were school dead-quiet. People were always surprised to hear we were siblings because it seemed like we didn’t even know each other. On top of that, our playful, childlike spirits slowly diminished as we became more aware of all the pressures and expectations of us. Our former, cheerful selves were replaced with two constantly busy and stressed out individuals. All these factors combined contributed to the growing distance between me and my older brother. Even though we lived under the same roof, I felt a million miles away from him.

Younger me would have never believed her best friend would one day turn into a stranger. 

As apathetic as I appeared on the outside, I was always saddened by how non-existent our relationship became. I can’t even say we had a bad relationship, we just had no relationship. 

Throughout our upbringing, my parents would always tell me “Have a good relationship with your brother, he’ll be gone for college sooner than you think.” I always ignored them when they said that because it felt so far away. It didn’t feel real, until it was. 

4 years away turned to 3. 

3 years away turned to 2. 

2 years away turned to 1. 

1 year away turned to 6 months.

6 months turned to 1 month

1 month turned to 1 week

 And 1 week away turned into one day. 

It wasn’t until the end of his senior year of high school that I realized I needed to make an effort to fix our relationship. I will never forget that day: the day I reconciled with my older brother.

All I did was talk to him and clearly express my true emotions. The sadness I felt about him leaving for college, the regret of not talking to or spending time with him, the happiness I felt when reminiscing on old memories, the anger I felt towards myself for always acting cold towards him. Turns out, he left the same way as me. We both realized if only we had kept talking to and trying to understand each other, we wouldn’t have become so distant throughout the years. 

I can’t emphasize enough how much I regret losing my relationship with my older brother. Even though we are on good terms again, I regret it took him leaving for college to restore our dynamic. 

My rocky relationship with my older brother taught me how important sibling relationships actually are. Sibling relationships naturally change overtime as a result of the different stages of life like the transition from adolescence to adulthood, moving out, and other events. In the end, I realized that sibling relationships are possibly the longest relationships we have. They are with us from the beginning to the end. I can’t change the past and I can’t somehow restore the memories we never made, but I can control my future decisions. 

If you can relate or am currently in a situation similar to my own, having a distant relationship with a sibling, here are some quick words of advice.

1. Communicate

I can’t emphasize enough how misunderstanding and miscommunication can put such a strain on a relationship. Avoiding the issue won’t make it go away, you’ll just prolong it. Be honest with your feelings to your sibling. If you had a good relationship before, they likely feel the same way even if they don’t express it. The night I talked to my brother honestly was the first time I can remember him telling me he always loved and cared for me. It is so cliche, but communication is key. 

1. Move forward

If you and your sibling have had past arguments creating tensions between you two, you have to move forward if you want to have a better relationship. Don’t get stuck in the past, clinging on to past hurts. Most of the time, discussing past disagreements doesn’t actually resolve the issue. Instead of bringing up the same discussion with a sibling, consider trying to process the situation by consulting a friend, counselor, or other trusted individual. It sucks to say, but some problems can’t be resolved and clinging on to them will only continue to harm the relationship. 

1. Space

Sometimes, space is the best remedy for a relationship. There are still times I’m frustrated or disappointed by my brother. I know that to avoid yelling at him and causing a full-out argument, I have to take a step back. While communicating your issues is important, doing so while blinded by anger will only cloud your judgment and not be productive. Take a step away, escape to your room or other safe space, to take the time to cool down. Try to get your immediate anger out alone, rather than on the other person. Once you’ve cooled down, then talk. This will avoid irrational arguments, fueled by anger and a need to defend yourself, rather than an attempt to reconcile.

Sibling relationships are tough, but they’re so important. Treasure them.

We’re in this together, 

Lauren